From The Archives: Customer Complaint

Dear “The Best Cafe In The World”,

I am writing to you to express my displeasure at the level of service and standards offered by your establishment.  My visit today was far from an enjoyable experience, and the food served was simply pathetic for a cafe that claims to be “The Best…In The World!”

Firstly I would like to tackle the issue of the service.  Now, it is standard practice in all the establishments i have been in to date for the customer to at least be acknowledged by a smile, nod, wink, or a wave – and indeed, good service would include a simple, “Hi!” an introduction, or to be presented with a menu.  I entered your cafe and recieved nothing of the sort.  In fact there was nobody to be seen.  I could hear some frolicking in the kitchen area, and I dread to think what the cooks were doing, but no-one bothered to come and see if I was fine.

Despite this I took a seat and awaited someone to come and take my order.  After a few minutes I heard muttering from behind a small hatch, and could vaguely make out someone peeping through the keyhole at me.  I over heard the cooks trying to guess who I was – I am sure simply coming out to me may have made their job easier, but it seemed they were enjoying their game as I could hear hearty laughs.  Then it went quiet again.

After about five minutes a small cook on a wooden spoon flew past me!  When I say small, I mean he must have been around 9 inches tall.  The ‘spoon’ flew out the window, and I sat baffled as to what I saw.  I do have to question what toxins you have pumping through your air conditioning unit, as such a sight is most perculiar, and I could only have been hallucinating.  About five minutes passed, and the spoon-riding midget flew back, and into the kitchen.

I could hear some more japery from behind the hatch, before it opened cautiously and a plate slid out with what I can only assume to be food on it.

Now I realise that presentation makes a meal, but what was served on my plate was a joke.  I attach a picture which I snapped with my phone for you to see…


I can only assume they are sheep, which makes we wonder exactly what the two cooks had deduced I ‘was’ in their little game earlier?!  I cannot say I dress much like a shepherd, so whether they were questioning my sexual preferences is what I wonder.

Well, I was not happy, and so returned the plate to the ‘hatch’ but no-one bothered to open it to take my query.  Now at this point I needed to loo, so put my bag down for a minute (there was no-one else around, so I thought it would be safe) and nipped off.  On my return, the plate had gone, and so had my bag.  Now I had just been to buy some gifts for my children – a frisbee, a kite, and some hats for their dolls.  I tapped on the hatch to get the attention of the staff, hoping they had put it safe, but no-one answered.  Peeping through the keyhole I could see them frolicking around, singing and dancing, and my bag of presents lain open in front of them.  I have no idea what ‘games’ they had been up to but I did manage to sneak a picture of the little one through the keyhole…


No attempts to gain their attention were successful.

I find the fact that you hire such unprofessional staff disgraceful, and that they took my bag and helped themselves is disgusting.  I did contact the police, but they seemed unconcerned – in fact one policeman said that the cafe, “Makes a lovely ‘helmet surprise’ cake!” (Whatever that means!)

Rest assured I will not visit your establishment again, and I will be writing to the local press regarding this matter.


A disgruntled customer!



***NOTE: This didn’t really happen – anyone who sees Big Cook Little Cook on TV will get the jist 🙂